I'm far too much of a coward to ever actually commit suicide. Or maybe, just too thoughtful. I wouldn't want to ruin people's commutes, or scar a train driver/driver for life. I wouldn't want anybody to have to go through the trauma of finding my body.
Despite that, I often contemplate suicide. What would be the best way? Would I want to go out in pain? Really feeling my last few moments alive? Or a more peaceful, pass out and just never wake up?
My answers to those questions tend to depend upon how much the thoughts are triggered by self hatred and how much are triggered by apathy and a general feeling that the world would be better off without me.
So, when the doctors ask "have you had suicidal thoughts recently?" I always answer no. Even though I have these thoughts at least once a day. There's something about admitting to suicidal thoughts that, to me at least, tips it over the edge from being "normal" to being something that requires intervention.
I have images of being in a Victorian-esque asylum, in a strait jacket with padded walls and somebody watching me constantly.
It seems that even to me, somebody who has them, admitting to suicidal thoughts is still a stigma. And if it's like that to me, what must everybody else think?
Comments are especially welcomed on this post (they're welcome on all posts anyway, but thought I'd make that clear!)