Monday, 24 October 2011


I don't know how many of you still get excited when you see articles about CFS/ME. In fact, if you're anything like me, your heart probably sinks a little. After all, it's usually just more confirmation that we're either all mad, or some of us are mad, or none of us are mad but they're not sure how.

I did think this story was interesting though:

Mostly, for the very sensible comments of the researchers involved (basically; yeah, it worked. Now let's see if it really works).

Any opinions my fellow sufferers? Or those of you who don't suffer from this?

Thursday, 13 October 2011

A Share

Having a very bad physical health day. More aches and pains than I've had for months and very little energy.

So instead, have a link to a fantastic post on a blog I've recently discovered:

It really struck home with me, having to constantly question your own feelings.

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

I did it!

So I booked a doctors appointment today. I haven't been sectioned.
Yay! I have however been given a new drug to try; Prozac.

Now, I know that stereotypes are bad but in my mind, Prozac is the
crazy drug. I'm about 99% sure that I think that only because of the
media. After all, it's probably the most famous SSRI and the media
thinks that anybody on an SSRI is either batshit insane or a
malingerer. But even so, there's a little voice in my head that shouts
"see, told you that you're fucked up".

I guess this is one of those times that the CBT comes into play.
Telling the voice to STFU and doing what it takes to get better. Shame
the voice is so persistent.

My own prejudice makes me more determined than ever to try and fight
the myths about mental illness though. I really wish that I had the
energy to be able to volunteer for a charity like Mind or SANE. I see
Purple Persuasion's blog (worth a read if you don't already follow it)
and wish I could do half the things that she does. Or even write half
so eloquently on the important subjects I ignore whilst wallowing in
self pity!

But, the CFS gets in the way. If I work full time, and actually want
to try keep a social life, I don't have the time to volunteer, or even
to write considered blog posts.

Speaking of the CFS my doctor claimed there was nothing could be done
for me. And I was so flustered from admitting to the SA that I just
smiled and nodded. I even forgot to ask for a new prescription of the
beta blockers. Guess I'll see in the next fortnight what effect
they've actually been having.

Speaking of the next fortnight, new medication means dealing with new
side effects, and low dosage means possible low moods. Apologies in
advance if this blog gets ignored, becomes very emo or just generally
becomes unreadable. Also apologies if you know me in RL for the same

Monday, 10 October 2011

Mental Health Week

So, it's National Mental Health Week.

I guess my response is, so what?

I gave a shoutout on my Twitter, to anybody who was not as mentally healthy as they wished.

The BBC and various other news sources will trumpet stories about mental illness. And real people. And the "pain behind the star's smiles" and other such rubbish.

How much of it do you think actually makes a difference?

I know how much I think. Very little. Mostly it's just lip service, or titilation - "look, this person heard voices, now they have a job and partner everything" *rolls eyes*

But at the same time, if even one person who is struggling, sees something that resonates with them, and gets help, minimising their suffering, then it's all worthwhile. Right?

Even if it does make me feel a little bit like a zoo exhibit. Or perhaps an endangered creature.

What do you think?

As an aside, still not been to see the doctor. I keep putting it off, and the difficulty of getting appointments makes it very easy to do...

Monday, 3 October 2011

Now what?

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I’ve been very tired and promised my partner that I wouldn’t blog whilst I’m meant to be working. Well, this is my lunch break so hopefully this doesn’t count!

I’m in a little bit of a sorry state at the moment. I’ve developed some god awful cold over the weekend (I’m blaming my boss!) and also had a very late night on Saturday (although I’d kind of prepared by sleeping for 18 hours the night before!).

The night before was also the closest I’ve ever come to actually committing suicide. It scared me a little. Although not as much as it scared my partner.

It wasn’t particularly dramatic. But it was measured, and thought through. And I started going through with it. It was nothing too terrible. I took 4 co-dydramol before my partner found me. Yep. Only 4. Pathetic I’m aware. But not to me. Not when I was doing this, taking a tablet only every time I’d counted to 150 and asked myself if it was what I wanted to do. And the answer was consistently yes. And would have remained so.

So, this scares me.

I should probably make an appointment to see the doctor. I also need to see them to get support with regards to my ME. But I daren’t. I’m so worried that they’ll tell me it’s all in my mind. That I’m a hypochondriac who is wasting their time. I know labels aren’t great, but without my labels, what am I? A fat, lazy cunt who can’t cope with the real world is what.


Thanks if you’ve read this. Please don’t laugh at me for my pathetic SA.

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