Monday, 8 August 2011


I'm far too much of a coward to ever actually commit suicide. Or maybe, just too thoughtful. I wouldn't want to ruin people's commutes, or scar a train driver/driver for life. I wouldn't want anybody to have to go through the trauma of finding my body.

Despite that, I often contemplate suicide. What would be the best way? Would I want to go out in pain? Really feeling my last few moments alive? Or a more peaceful, pass out and just never wake up?

My answers to those questions tend to depend upon how much the thoughts are triggered by self hatred and how much are triggered by apathy and a general feeling that the world would be better off without me.

So, when the doctors ask "have you had suicidal thoughts recently?" I always answer no. Even though I have these thoughts at least once a day. There's something about admitting to suicidal thoughts that, to me at least, tips it over the edge from being "normal" to being something that requires intervention.

I have images of being in a Victorian-esque asylum, in a strait jacket with padded walls and somebody watching me constantly.

It seems that even to me, somebody who has them, admitting to suicidal thoughts is still a stigma. And if it's like that to me, what must everybody else think?

Comments are especially welcomed on this post (they're welcome on all posts anyway, but thought I'd make that clear!)


  1. When I was really ill, and for a couple of years after when I was struggling with being a normal(ish) person again, I used to have suicidal thoughts all the time. For me, I didn't see them as "being suicidal" because I knew I couldn't do that to the other people in my life, so I wasn't /really/ considering suicide. I just thought about death, and dying, and quietly slipping away a lot.

    What I know now is that it's not a "normal" (I know, I know - what is normal really) headspace to be in, even if there wasn't much chance I'd actually try to kill myself.

    The question I'd ask is - when you say "requires intervention" - what sort of intervention are you envisioning? Is there something that you feel would actually help you?

    And, beyond that, I totally understand not wanting to admit suicidal thoughts to the general public - but what concerns you about admitting it to a doctor?

  2. I feel exactly the same, hun. I think about dying a lot. I consider how/when I would do it, and sometimes I wish that I was strong enough to really do it, but I know I'm not. I couldn't stand hurting my parents and all my family that much, or as you said, the person who had to find me. Because I know in myself that although I'm thinking about it, I'm not REALLY planning on doing it, that I say the exact same thing to my doctor when she asks me. I say no.

    Ask yourself what would change if you told the doctor the truth? Do you really think the doctor will change their opinion of you? That they might shun you or laugh at you? Of course they wont! At the end of the day, if you tell your doctor, it's only them that'll know, and it might help. If you don't tell them, nothing will change but they won't have a complete picture of your health, and asking a doctor to help you without giving them the facts is a bit silly. I know, cause I keep doing it too.

    Fact is, you've admitted it on your blog. How much worse can it be to tell a professional that might help you? So long as you explain that you don't want to actually commit suicide, my thoughts are that they won't instantly put you in a mental asylum or anything really serious. They'll just understand your mindset a bit better, and be able to tailor your medicine or treatment to better suit you.

  3. I don't appear to be able to reply to individual comments. Apologies.

    Lily; thank you for admitting that. It makes me feel a little better. With regards to admitting it to the doctor, I guess I just don't feel safe. Whilst this is a public blog, atm everybody here has been linked by me. It's also anonymous. I can post this and not have to see people's faces when they read it.
    I don't want to be judged. I know doctors shouldn't. But it doesn't mean they won't. I've also had a very bad experience with doctors and depression and it made me even less likely to turn to them.
    With regards to what sort of intervention I expect, and what I think would help, I'm not sure. What I expect swings wildly from being immediately locked up to being completely dismissed as a hypochondriac attention seeker. What would help, I really don't know. I'm not sure that anything would. Possibly counselling, but I a)don't have the time and b)struggle to connect with counsellers. And even then it probably wouldn't help.

    Leah; *hugs* maybe we should make a pact to both tell the doctor? You're right that without full information they can't really help. And logically, I know I won't be locked up somewhere, but unfortunately, this area isn't related to logic!


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