Ugh

Yes this entry is titled "Ugh". It's titled that because "ugh" pretty much sums up how I'm feeling right now!

So, I thought I was just being hormonal, but it seems that that may not be the case. I'm struggling to stay motivated for things, my dreams are getting messed up again (a surefire sign for me that I'm mentally unwell) and I'm starting to get headaches again.

I'd really rather not up my AD dose. I'm fed up of maximum doses. As such, I'm going to ask the doctor about getting a recommendation for counselling and using my health insurance to do so.

I'm never sure how much help counselling is, but I feel like it has to be worth a try.

All the small things!

Not reverted to early 2000s nu-metal (it's actually Girls' Ultimate Night In I have playing!), just my focus at the moment. Whilst I may be unhappy, especially with myself, I'm trying to focus on the little things that make a difference. Things like:

the excitement from a child who'd just discovered that a googol was a number,

or the children stopping midway through PE to come hug me,

the growing number of children who play with me at lunch times,

treating myself to a McDonald's happy meal,

weighing my target weight since before Christmas (and not just naked and on my scales!),

eating sweets and reading a book before napping,

sitting with a glass of cold wine etc.

So, yes, I may not feel able to sing along to the music because I hate my voice, but there are good things out there in the world.

Comment with one of your small things please!

Not sure I'm going to post this. Not even sure why I'm writing it. Just... need somewhere to rant and I guess here is as good as anywhere.

So I'm being hormonal.

Nothing new there.

Tried to go out tonight, managed to stay out for the band but there was no way I was lasting any longer. When tears are running down your face whilst dancing because you're so mediocre at everything then there's something wrong.

On my drive home, I decided to try and think of things I like about myself. I couldn't think of any. So I decided that I'd start my exam marking when I got in. But the system's down. This made me feel like even more of a failure (even though I know it's nothing to do with me). So now I'm sat, with a beer (because if I'm drinking beer I'm not drinking anything more alcoholic), meandering about the internet, fantasising about cutting myself (which I won't) and wishing I didn't hate myself quite so much.

The thing is, I know academically that not only is my life "ok" it's actually pretty great. I have several amazing partners, fantastic friends, a job. But I totally feel like something's missing. There's a little part of me inside that's dead. And, when I'm suffering PMT or having a particularly bad day, that bit eats away at everything else inside me until I just can't bear to go on anymore.

I think I am going to post this. I think it might be good for other people, and myself, to be reminded that whilst I'm definitely getting better, I'm not there just yet.