Monday, 3 October 2011

Now what?

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I’ve been very tired and promised my partner that I wouldn’t blog whilst I’m meant to be working. Well, this is my lunch break so hopefully this doesn’t count!

I’m in a little bit of a sorry state at the moment. I’ve developed some god awful cold over the weekend (I’m blaming my boss!) and also had a very late night on Saturday (although I’d kind of prepared by sleeping for 18 hours the night before!).

The night before was also the closest I’ve ever come to actually committing suicide. It scared me a little. Although not as much as it scared my partner.

It wasn’t particularly dramatic. But it was measured, and thought through. And I started going through with it. It was nothing too terrible. I took 4 co-dydramol before my partner found me. Yep. Only 4. Pathetic I’m aware. But not to me. Not when I was doing this, taking a tablet only every time I’d counted to 150 and asked myself if it was what I wanted to do. And the answer was consistently yes. And would have remained so.

So, this scares me.

I should probably make an appointment to see the doctor. I also need to see them to get support with regards to my ME. But I daren’t. I’m so worried that they’ll tell me it’s all in my mind. That I’m a hypochondriac who is wasting their time. I know labels aren’t great, but without my labels, what am I? A fat, lazy cunt who can’t cope with the real world is what.

*sigh*

Thanks if you’ve read this. Please don’t laugh at me for my pathetic SA.

3 comments:

  1. Fat lazy cunt is just another label too. It's a label a lot of people put on people who they can't relate to, or don't understand the issues they have. It's a label it's important you don't put on yourself, as at that put your refusing to understand your own problems.

    Talking to a doctor is best <3 and even if they say it's all in your mind, bloody well tell them that even if it is, it's something you can't break yourself. This idea floating around medical professionals that mental issues can just be fixed by the person is bollocks, and seeing as the causes of ME aren't even known they should bloody well take it seriously. On a seperate note, you're doctor may be very understanding. If he isn't, move onto another doctor, you need to find one that suits your needs <3

    Also, I'd like it noted, if you had killed yourself, I would be very upset<3 (how many hearts can I put in this damned reply? who knows! <3<3<3<3<3)

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  2. look after yourself sweetie ive been there and there's better times ahead, there must be.

    go see your doctor, if he/she does tell you its all in your mind tell them its not satisfactory and if they wont do anything complain to the practice and see another doctor.

    my doctor doesnt know what hes doing, or talking about half the time, but he admits it and hes helping me in the ways he can. having that support sometimes makes the difference between giving up and fighting to get a baby step better.

    *hugs and happy thoughts coming your way*

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  3. Hey love,

    You're right to take this seriously, please don't feel like it wasn't 'serious enough' or something.

    If it helps in the short term, in order to get the help you need - go back to the doctor and just ask for more help with the depression, leave the ME out of it for the moment. But please do go and get and help.

    I'm happy to come with you to a GP appointment about getting more support with ME, though, if that helps. I'm well versed in dealing with GPs on this particular issue.

    xx

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