Saturday, 10 March 2012

Not sure I'm going to post this. Not even sure why I'm writing it. Just... need somewhere to rant and I guess here is as good as anywhere.

So I'm being hormonal.

Nothing new there.

Tried to go out tonight, managed to stay out for the band but there was no way I was lasting any longer. When tears are running down your face whilst dancing because you're so mediocre at everything then there's something wrong.

On my drive home, I decided to try and think of things I like about myself. I couldn't think of any. So I decided that I'd start my exam marking when I got in. But the system's down. This made me feel like even more of a failure (even though I know it's nothing to do with me). So now I'm sat, with a beer (because if I'm drinking beer I'm not drinking anything more alcoholic), meandering about the internet, fantasising about cutting myself (which I won't) and wishing I didn't hate myself quite so much.

The thing is, I know academically that not only is my life "ok" it's actually pretty great. I have several amazing partners, fantastic friends, a job. But I totally feel like something's missing. There's a little part of me inside that's dead. And, when I'm suffering PMT or having a particularly bad day, that bit eats away at everything else inside me until I just can't bear to go on anymore.

I think I am going to post this. I think it might be good for other people, and myself, to be reminded that whilst I'm definitely getting better, I'm not there just yet.

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