And I'm exhausted!
I may only be working ~20hrs a week, but my god it's draining me.
At Christmas, I was really pleased to be able to tell my in-laws how much better I was doing. They even commented on how well I was looking. On Christmas Day and Boxing Day I managed not to nap.
Then I started back working. After over 2 months off, what a shock to the system! I've had to nap every day. Some days I've slept for 4 hours and still slept at a reasonable time at night.
I'd forgotten just how debilitating this condition can be.
And it's making me feel terrible about myself. I feel unbelievably useless. Both with regards to how little energy I have and the fact that I'm now contributing only about 2/3 of what I was to household expenses.
Feeling bad about myself is leading to various self harm fantasies.
Which in turn make me feel worse!
Damn vicious circles!
So, I'm being a little emo currently. With no self esteem and minimal drive.
I tweeted last night, about it being hard to know what "normal" feels like anymore. I don't just mean in regards to being "normal" but also to the worry that every bad day is actually the start of a depressive episode. That the drugs aren't working any more. That I'm losing control.
Ugh, post has turned to word vomit again. One day, I'll write a useful to other people post. Not today.
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Darling, you are doing SO well. Please try and see the positives - you need to nap, but you CAN sleep at night, you CAN work and you CAN contribute to household expenses. It's not perfect? Well it doesn't have to be! Baby steps are all you need, and look how many you've taken <3
ReplyDeleteI can absolutely understand how you feel, but you're doing incredibly and please try and be proud of yourself for what you've done (easier said than done, I know, but). Being drained will really bring you down, but don't let that get to you too much. You're not useless at all, and I'm so proud of you!
I know it's a real challenge dealing with depression, self-harm (thoughts or actions), and M.E. but you have me and others and we'll ALWAYS be here to support you. Take each day - even each hour or half hour - as it comes, deep breaths, and remember you are loved and how you feel about yourself, isn't a reflection on how we see you (in fact, probably the opposite - we think you're wonderful even on the bad days!) xxx
I know exactly how you feel. Nothing worse than always feeling tired and drained and then as a result becoming irritable to those around you and subsequently feeling horrible about yourself. However, everyday you're adapting and slowly adjusting to the pace. Somedays will be unbearable but others will be a breeze and on those days you'll feel so good about yourself. Don't worry yourself about what it means to be 'normal', focus on improving one thing about your life and making each day a tiny bit better than the last.
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to have these fantasies and feel horrible from time to time. Have a cry, feel helpless and get it out of your system. Also keep your doctor up to speed with how you feel so he can modify your dosage if needs be. Best of luck with it all! And keep writing here!