And I'm exhausted!
I may only be working ~20hrs a week, but my god it's draining me.
At Christmas, I was really pleased to be able to tell my in-laws how much better I was doing. They even commented on how well I was looking. On Christmas Day and Boxing Day I managed not to nap.
Then I started back working. After over 2 months off, what a shock to the system! I've had to nap every day. Some days I've slept for 4 hours and still slept at a reasonable time at night.
I'd forgotten just how debilitating this condition can be.
And it's making me feel terrible about myself. I feel unbelievably useless. Both with regards to how little energy I have and the fact that I'm now contributing only about 2/3 of what I was to household expenses.
Feeling bad about myself is leading to various self harm fantasies.
Which in turn make me feel worse!
Damn vicious circles!
So, I'm being a little emo currently. With no self esteem and minimal drive.
I tweeted last night, about it being hard to know what "normal" feels like anymore. I don't just mean in regards to being "normal" but also to the worry that every bad day is actually the start of a depressive episode. That the drugs aren't working any more. That I'm losing control.
Ugh, post has turned to word vomit again. One day, I'll write a useful to other people post. Not today.